Anger is your ally
Ok, I just did this and I need to document it somewhere where I will most inevitably see again. Medium feels like the perfect spot.
So it seems a lot of us, kids with childhood trauma, we develop what psychologists and neuroscientists would call Fawning. It is a threat response, where the victim plays nice, so nice to avoid hurt or extreme damage by the abuser.
I have developed that myself. And it looks really uncomfortable as an adult. When someone crosses my boundary, I know in my head and heart I need to defend my boundary. But then my body takes a fawning somatic reaction. I start to look weaker and smaller, I start to disappear. I psychologically and socially disappear from the room in the face of conflict.
Today, I tried something different. I tried embracing my anger, every time my body leans towards shrinking, I opened up more, I acted more angry and accepted that my posture is reflecting anger. I embraced that. I let anger run through might blood. I allowed my eyes to only see red. I allowed my mind to wander into the destruction of the other. I have no intention of hurting anyone else, but I let my mind go off on the idea that I am willing to cause damage as means to protect myself if necessary.
And wow! The results are amazing, I am standing tall, my core is tight my legs are strong, my mind is sharp. I am ready to engage if needed but more importantly, I feel like I am saying goodbye to my victim. I am not victim anymore, I am a strong man ready to jump on the trigger if needed. I am ready to take action, any kind of action that feels necessary to protect me and little me.
Little me feels safe. He feels in awe of this strong man that carries him.
The mind is on board. The mind is obviously writing to document the breakthrough we just went through.
I feel incredible alignment and presence in my soul. All of me is on board! Wohooo!
I will come back and ready this later. To remind myself, I have a strong man within fully capable of protecting me.
Life doesn't seem so threatening anymore.
